


Focus

by kashibae



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Kakashi - Freeform, One Shot, Sakura - Freeform, naruto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:06:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6219424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kashibae/pseuds/kashibae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His PTSD had plagued him for years. Now thanks to lack of sleep and a bit of a pep talk from man's best friend, this feeling for a certain pink haired kunochi has begun to reer it's ugly head. Kakashi was never good at explaining himself, or even willing to properly deal with his feelings without wanting to run. Good thing he has one hell of a doctor to keep him grounded to reality, and hopefully a cure to his inner demons... </p>
<p>Warning: mentions of PTSD, Depression, Suicide, Death</p>
            </blockquote>





	Focus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skyeprints](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyeprints/gifts).



> hello friends! This is actually my first posted fanfiction, so please do forgive me for any spelling errors or grammar mistakes. My Fiance, ( aka the wonderful SkyePrints, please go give her fics a read if you're into Gravity Falls at all ) gave me this prompt to do and i ran with it.  
> Featuring my OTP none the less! I had fallen in Love with KakaSaku years prior, but I'd have to give the credit to SpoiledSweet on FF ( of their fic "House Calls" ) that inspired my love for the couple to grow as big as it has. So I dedicate this piece to them, and to my lovely lady. I hope you enjoy, I'll be posting more soon if given enough feedback! 
> 
> Also please note: I feel as I may have rushed the ending. So I'm probably going to re write it soon.

"Kakashi, shouldn't we be heading back by now?.."  
The small pug's claws clicked along the stone, heaving himself off of his back after having been lying there for what seemed like hours. Judging by the once darkened sky flaring in the wake of a new morning, he ultimately decided that maybe a 'few hours' hadn't been such a far guess.  
Glancing back down at his master, the old dog billowed his jowls a in a huff.  
It appeared that he had his eyes closed, but it was obvious the man wasn't sleeping. When was he ever?  
"You know you can't play possum with me boss...I can tell you're awake by your breathing."  
"...."  
The silver haired man remained still and quiet. His gloved hands folded neatly against his stomach, his hair a crazed mess from the lack of using a comb. Rarely did the man appear in public in anything other than his standard jonin uniform, finding the feeling of looser fabric...surprisingly uncomfortable. The uniform had become a security blanket in a way, His form of normalcy. Along with his unruly hair due.  
Kakashi had ventured out sometime earlier that night, complaining that he couldn't sleep due to the ever increasing night terrors. Everything seemed to be triggering him, to the point where he didn't want to just sleep...he wanted to rest. What a better way to spend that time than on top of the Hokage monument.  
"Kakashi..."  
"....."  
"Maybe you should go see Sakura." 

A lone onyx eye slowly cracked open, sure enough to land a halfhearted glare towards his canine companion’s current direction. "No...You know why I can't do that."  
"You can't avoid the hospital forever boss...or your feelings..."  
A moment later and the man was already shifting to his side, back facing Pakkun in a bit of annoyance. "Remind me to invest in a muzzle."  
The small pug simply rolled his eyes in response, "very mature of you...come on, maybe she can help you and your nightmares. The boys and I like having her around for training...she doesn't sugarcoat anything and seems to be the only one who even cares enough to butt into your life...you aren't some kid afraid of the dark anymore...you seriously need some help. Avoiding everyone and pushing everyone away just isn’t healthy." 

Kakashi closed his eyes tightly shut, letting a deep but forced breath out through his nose. There weren't a lot of things that could even mildly piss the jonin off...but his 'issues' were definitely one of the few.  
"I don't have a problem Pak...I'm just tired and antisocial."  
Pakkun grunted, certainly not pleased or a bit amused with that answer.  
"You constantly wake up in a state of fear, shaking or maybe even so deep in your panic you start attacking anything close enough to you... Hell I can't even recall the last time you even slept without a kunai hidden under your pillow."  
Kakashi tensed his jaw, turning over onto his back to meet the small brown dogs gaze once more. "And you think talking to my 21 year old ex-team mate will somehow cure 30 years’ worth of pain and guilt?..." Pakkun shook his head wildly, deep brown eyes focusing on the man sternly. "No. What I'm saying is, maybe if you'd let down your guard a little, maybe someone could finally help you move on."  
Kakashi shrugged his shoulders, lone eye peering up at the pale morning sky. He could visibly see a shade of pink outlining the rising sun, the color vaguely reminding him of a similar firey pink haired medic nin.  
“Maybe I don’t want to move on.” His voice trailed off a bit, unsure if he really meant what he said. No, he didn’t want to forget. But he didn’t really want to forgive either. Forgive himself for being too weak to protect his loved ones. Too scared to try. Too wrapped up in his own angst and fear of his father’s death keeping him from getting his head out of his own ass to save his teammates. How many people must have died because of his arrogance? Two of which haunted his mind and every decision he made to this day. 

“Boss?...Kakashi are you even listening to me?” Pakkun was standing on his chest now, looking down at him practically exasperated.  
“hn?” Kakashi blinked away his thoughts momentarily, snapping back to the present and focusing his half lidded gaze back to his dog. He hadn’t even felt the small pug climb onto him much less hear him speak.  
“Sorry Pak… I was thinking.”  
“Figures. Go and find her. Before this destroys you again.” 

 

________

 

Destroy him again. Kakashi suspected Pakkun was referring to his...problem. The constant state of fear, and inability to trust anything or anyone, not even himself. In a way it was breaking him. It was making it hard for him to even breathe without gasping. The last time this feeling had 'destroyed' him, was some time after Rin's death. He had joined the ANBU and wrecklessly tried to through his life away. He was so ready to die, and didn't care who he hurt. It wasn't until after team 7 was formed that he had finally begun to feel a bit better. Up until recently a few years after the last grest ninja war...

He hadn’t been real sure what finally pushed him to go. It wasn’t the dog’s fault; he wouldn’t let him win that easily. No, maybe he was just fated to go. Unlike everything else, he couldn’t run away from this problem. He could never run away from someone like her unless he was just begging for his ass to be kicked.  
Though when did fate ever do him any favors? The whole concept of ultimate beings conversing around the clouds rolling in hysterical fits of laughter over how pathetic and tragic they had made his life to be…  
It was simply easier to assume gods had no part in this. Made him feel a little more dignified, yet a little more guilty.  
Yet for all he knew, he wasn’t honestly paying attention to where he was going. The road taken to get to his apartment just across the eastern part of the village also led towards the Konoha General Hospital. But instead of continuing on with his tattered old orange novel between bruised knuckles and a worn leather glove, his eyes scanning the pages but not exactly bothering to read it; his feet roughly jerked to a stop and his pained expression molded into something a bit colder.  
He swore to himself he’d stop spacing out. It tended to get him into trouble when his body grew a mind of its own and his brain went into deep thought. 

Minutes past and slowly nearby villagers began to fill the street. It must have been at least 6 or 7 now…Either heading to work or fulfilling some morning routine.  
The masked man let out a heavy sigh and shifted his novel into his palm, snapping it shut with a nice audible ‘thunk’ before placing it back into his shuriken hostler. He went about trying to find something to do with his hands, before finally settling with shoving them deep within his pockets, pretending as if to search for something he might have misplaced, stalling himself a bit more time. 

Damnit man, pull yourself together. A harden product of war, established jonin and teacher, known around the village and around the other countries as both a lethal enemy and a practically invincible defender. Graduated the academy at age 6 and murdering rogue nin by age 13. He was a cold killer. A ninja. Afraid of no one…

But he was also a veteran. Rattled with PTSD, suicidal episodes and major depression he was indeed just as human as any villager, and just like any villager he wasn’t stupid. He knew better than to walk into a snake pit.  
Sakura was just as dangerous as she was beautiful. One slip up from him and he could find himself crashing through the hospital walls and into a ER bed before he could even try to apologize. Yes she was brutal, but it was just her way of expressing her feelings. To show that she cared, and boy did she care deeply. He could only help but smile softly at the memory of all the times both Naruto and Sai got their asses handed to them by her hands. Their stupidity helped keep others from making the same mistakes. 

But to the same token Kakashi never let anyone in. Not enough to show them his mistakes. His flaws, his fears, his thoughts. No one really ‘knew’ Kakashi. But they knew him, to an extent. They know what he wanted them to know. But how was it no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut around her?  
He could probably blame her brash attitude with everything. Being nosy and overbearing sure did have its perks. It annoyed him to death yet he couldn’t seem to run away from it like he could to everyone else. Or the fact she had found the spare key to his apartment hat one rainy November when he was home with a cold and refused to go to the doctor. Ah yes, that must have been where it really began to hit him hard.

“Oh, Kakashi-sensei... Is everything alright? Why are you standing in front of the hospital? You look like you haven’t slept in days.”  
Kakashi perked up a little at the sound of the familiar voice. A pleasant ring he was all too comfortable with.  
“Weeks actually, I just came back from a mission.” A tiny white lie. But it wasn’t as if he didn’t go on missions. Hell, he’d pick up any D ranked mission on the list just to get away from everything familiar, even her.  
“If you’ve been back from a mission, why didn’t you come and visit me for a checkup as soon as you got back?” Sakura looked up at him a bit skeptically. Her now long pink hair was held back in a low messy bun, probably in a hurry to get it out of her face earlier that day. So many impromptu surgeries and so little time to deal with her appearance. Her clothes were covered in a long stain free lab coat, which actually complimented her jade green eyes and pale skin. Was that a new lip stick? Since when did she start wearing eyeshadow? Huh…  
“Kakashi-sensei? You’re spacing on me again.”  
The older man frowned a bit at that, his lone eye focusing back from her face to her eyes. Focus. 

“Sorry, I was a bit busy with paperwork when I got back. I figured you were busy anyways.” Sakura tilted her head to the side, a thin pink brow rising up. “A-huh. You’ve been avoiding these checkups for over 3 months. So either your whole apartment is flooded with paper or you’re trying to hide something.”  
Always the worrier.  
“Sakura I’m fine.”  
“Yes last time you said that to me you had lost a liter of blood and I was having to put your sternum back into place. Seriously, what’s eating you? You’re acting more…reclusive than normal.”  
It was his turn to cock an eyebrow towards her, reaching up to adjust the thin bit of cloth covering the better half of his face. “What’s more than normal?”  
The cherry blossom gave a small shrug of her shoulders, bottom lip poked out in a slight pout. He had obviously hit a small sore spot with her, considering the hurt look crossing her features.  
“You’ve stopped agreeing to meet me and the boys for lunch dates. You haven’t really been around to help Naruto or Sai with their training. Haven’t been around to check up on us just to do it. Even Tsunade’s been a bit worried… You’re actually turning in paperwork for once instead of procrastinating for so long she actually has to hunt you down for it.” 

The silver haired man suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable. Was it really that obvious? He hadn’t really been paying attention, but he knew as each day passed, the more he wanted to be alone with his thoughts, than to be around others who only made the ‘other’ thoughts worse. 

“You didn’t even come and visit after my dad passed away...”  
His head immediately shot up at that, his brow furrowed and a worried expression overcame him. No, there was no way he could have known. When had that happened?  
Shifting a bit nervously, Kakashi peered down at her with a pained look. She must have been jerking him around. He couldn’t have been that braindead. He was always there to comfort his team mates. Always there for them when they needed a shoulder to cry on. Unlike him, who had no sort of support like that growing up, he had always been sure to give that to them.  
“Sakura….I-“  
“It’s okay..Kakashi-sensei. You were probably just busy. I get it.”  
He didn’t like that tone. It was the tone she used whenever he had done or said something that had upset her. If it was one thing he had learned about Sakura, it was to never trust her when she claimed everything was alright. He had obviously hurt her. Failed her..

“I’m sorry.”  
“What..?”  
“I….said I’m sorry. ”  
The young woman met his gaze for a long moment, a silence falling between the two. Within that moment Kakashi wanted to bolt. Run off and forget about ever being there. Maybe place Sakura under some Genjutsu, and make her believe it wasn’t him she saw. Maybe…  
“I’m sorry…about your father. He-“ Kakashi paused, unsure of what to say. He could’ve sworn he began to see her eyes glazing over with unwashed tears.  
Swallowing hard, he tried again, “I’m sorry…for not being there. I… you…”  
“you….me…what?” she breathed, her voice breaking slightly, but she took another deeper inhale to try and steady herself. This seemed to work for the moment.  
“I can’t stay here.” He choked out, his own hands starting to tremor lightly in his pockets. Damn it. He could never shut himself up around her. Not when she looked at him with those eyes..

“..can’t stay? Why? Kakashi what are you-“  
“I’m not okay. I haven’t been for a long, long time.”  
“Why didn’t you just say something? I could’ve-“  
“You can’t help this Sakura. I’m too far gone. I have been for years…”  
“You don’t know that...” he groaned lightly, his onyx eye falling closed and his chest already beginning to feel a bit tight. Focus.  
“Kakashi, I know you. Whether anybody else does or not, I don’t really care. But you can’t just sit there and push me away like it’s supposed to help me in some type of way. You know I care so why don’t you let me at least try and help?”  
Exasperated, Kakashi pulled his hands up to his face and raked them roughly through his messy silver hair. She didn’t understand. Could never understand just how cruel she was being.  
“I’d rather you just forget we ever talked about it. Just go back to normal.” Don’t let her push.  
“Normal? This isn’t Normal Kakashi…I’m sitting here, watching you fall apart and you won’t let me do anything? Don’t you care about us at all?”  
“Of course I do.” Focus…  
“Then why won’t you talk to us? Or me? Friends don’t push other friends away and ignore them.”  
“Because…” Don’t do this.  
“Because why Kakashi?” 

Something inside of him seemed to snap within that moment. The same feeling came rushing back to him, crushing his lungs and making it painful to breathe. The names, the faces, the flashbacks, the feelings, all of it came back to him within those few heartbeats and he felt like he was about to lose himself. It was ridiculous how easily she could push him. The only one who ever cared to try. Even as the years passed Gai had stopped trying. Everyone simply gave him a pitiful look and watched from afar unsure of what to do. He was broken. A ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment.  
Even some of the jonin had begun a pool on him long ago. Either he was going to die alone, or take his own life just like his father. The crushing weight of the responsibility and guilt eating him alive till there was nothing left. 

Sakura Haruno had been the only one in almost 20 years, to ever try and pull him back out of his darkness. Whether it was by a simple checkup, a tight hug around the waist, or a platonic kiss on the cheek, Sakura had always made herself known to him that she was there for him. There to listen, there to help him. There to try and ease the pain even if there was no way out of it alive. 

Kakashi about tugged forcefully at his hair before letting his gloved hands fall back to his sides. His eyes stung from the familiar burn of unshed tears, the burden of it all come crashing down on him. Damn her. Damn him...it was all his fault. Always his fault. He was cursed after all. Maybe it was some cruel joke from the gods. 

“Because I love you and I can’t watch you die too.” His tone was low and almost threatening at first, until he realized it was shaking. Kakashi felt weak, vulnerable. He hated feeling this way. It always made him feel sick to his stomach.  
Biting the inside of his cheek, he tried his best not to speak again, but his willpower failed him. She had pushed too much.  
“Everyone I have ever cared for always gets killed. Either by me, or an enemy of mine. I didn’t ask to care, I didn’t ask to be your teacher. I didn’t ask for this but you just wouldn’t leave me alone. I had to pull away because the closer you got the more terrified I got. You don’t understand-“

“Kakashi.” Sakura’s voice broke through to him, and immediately the jonin tensed. Or maybe it was thw warm sensation on his cheek, of her hand lightly cupping the side of his masked face. When did her hand get there? Why was she still here, comforting him? 

ever so gently she brushed her thumb along the edge of his mask, catching a stray tear that had escaped his eye. The man rarely cried, if he ever did. He couldn’t recall a time he had cried in front of anyone, and thankfully she had been the only one to catch it. So subtle, she was covering his cheek and wiping away the tear before anyone else had seen. Yet even after the fact, her palm didn’t leave…

“You were having a panic attack...” she answered his stunned silence with a sad, but sweet smile.  
“…But, how did you-“  
“Your hands were shaking, and your breathing was getting heavy. I could tell by the way your pupil was dilated that your heart must have been beating pretty fast. So I-“  
“I’m sorry. I should go…”  
“No…wait.” The smaller woman tugged at the front of his vest, just as he had begun to pull away. Kakashi forced in a deep breath, leveling his head and letting his shoulders relax once more.  
Might as well let himself drown. As much as he tried, she kept coming back and dragging him closer and closer. He couldn’t resist her even if he tried. It scared him to death, and made him want to run twice as far even now. But a small part of him, a very small part, wanted him to step a little closer as well.

“Let me in…Just focus on you for once. You don’t have to worry about me Kakashi, I’m a lot tougher than you give credit.” Her tone was a little softer, her palm smoothing out the wrinkles formed on the side of his thick uniform vest. His security blanket. 

What was one more regret? One more chance to try and call for help. One more chance to actually forgive…and live on. Could he live with himself if he ever lost her? Probably not. But then again, ninjas like him were never guaranteed a long life.  
“Oh, and for the record…”  
“hn?...” he felt the familiar tightness once more.

“I love you too.”

Kakashi's eye widened by a fraction, unsure if to take her as seriously as he thought she was being. His whole body felt ridged and for a long moment the man felt like he was at a loss for words. 

"You...don't really mean that. I'm not good for you." Way too old. Way too broken. How could someone else want a beaten puppy willing to turn and run at any given moment?  
"Kakashi...I'm serious. I love you. I don't care how screwed up you think you are, and who the hell cares about age? You may be a pervert,  but you aren't a pedophile."  
She let a gentle smile spread across her thin lips, "Dont go and treat me with some little girl mentality. I'm not the same genin who fawned over emotional dark and mysterious men just for the hell of it. I don't base my love for someone solely on the fact if their intact or not. I happen to think you can be quite charming when you want to be."   
Kakashi let out an snort, finding it hard not to smile a little himself. Gods, she would be the end of him.  
"I think you must have me mistaken for someone else."  
Sakura failed to hold back a small bit of laughter then, her hands coming to rest on his sides.  
Kakashi met her eyes, his expression softened to something a little more relaxed than from before. Her touch, no matter how absent-minded it was felt nice. Just like the uniform he wore, Sakura had become a sort of comfort for him and he was falling hard.  
Not after Rin. Not after Obito. Not after his father or even Minato-sensei. He didn't think he could risk losing anyone this precious to him again. 

Yet before either of them cared to protest again, Kakashi already found his hands placed loosely around her waist, and the thin black fabric of his mask hovering just above her forehead. Sakura had always been so self-conscious of her high forehead, up until the end of the war. Now in the middle laid a violet diamond mark. The mark of of one the Legendary Sanin, and her master, Tsunade. Placing a soft masked kiss against the mark was almost like a good target, leaving her face flushed and her bright smile growing even wider. She was his focus. The ground he needed to stand..  
He was an idiot for giving into the temptation. But already being damned for the rest of his life, so might as well. 

"I'm going to regret this." He breathed, his head coming to rest ontop of her own.  
Sakura simply wrapped her arms a bit tighter around him, humming thoughtfully as she did so. "I don't. But if you run away from me like that again I'll have to regret busting your thick skull open. Got it?"  
"Dully noted." Kakashi whispered in response, holding her just as tight. 

Just focus...


End file.
